1
00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:04,046
Finally, the district
has started a new
community initiative

2
00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:05,047
that sends volunteers
out to all the schools.

3
00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:06,340
So we're gonna have
some people

4
00:00:06,340 --> 00:00:07,799
coming in next week
to help us out.

5
00:00:07,799 --> 00:00:09,384
Thank God.
'Cause I need some help.

6
00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:11,470
I've been asking for
an aide for decades.

7
00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:13,055
Janine: I'm already so behind
in grading.

8
00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:14,389
It takes a surprising amount
of effort

9
00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:16,308
to give everyone an A
for effort. [ Chuckles ]

10
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:18,018
I'm happy the community
wants to lend a hand

11
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,269
when there's nothing in it
for them.

12
00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:21,063
Yeah, well, maybe they
can get someone

13
00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:23,524
to come deep clean
the coffee machine.

14
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:25,692
[ Teachers clamoring ]
Ava: Okay, I get it!

15
00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:27,736
Didn't y'all hear me say
volunteers are coming?

16
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:30,072
Yeesh, y'all act like I let
this school fall apart.

17
00:00:30,072 --> 00:00:31,490
[ Scoreboard creaking ]

18
00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:33,116
[ Teachers screaming ]

19
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:34,409
Again?!
Everybody okay?

20
00:00:34,409 --> 00:00:36,620
What, you're haunted now
or something?

21
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,747
[ Maker's "Hold'em" playing ]

22
00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:47,047
♪♪

23
00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:52,135
Miles: Why are you calling me?
It's 7:30 a.m. on a Monday.

24
00:00:52,135 --> 00:00:54,346
Yes, it is good
to hear from me.

25
00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:56,098
So, listen,
we need a new scoreboard.

26
00:00:56,098 --> 00:00:57,766
Just wondering when y'all
could drop one off.

27
00:00:57,766 --> 00:01:00,352
Preferably something
in the Jumbotron family.

28
00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:02,229
Hmm...looks like
the earliest

29
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:05,148
I can get someone
out there is...never.

30
00:01:05,148 --> 00:01:06,775
Excuse me?
That's right.

31
00:01:06,775 --> 00:01:07,985
Now that we're
fully unionized,

32
00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:09,236
you don't have
any dirt on us

33
00:01:09,236 --> 00:01:10,279
that could halt
construction.

34
00:01:10,279 --> 00:01:11,488
You're out of leverage,

35
00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:13,115
and you're not getting
a scoreboard.

36
00:01:13,115 --> 00:01:16,201
Listen to me, you bespectacled
little milksop --

37
00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,412
Excuse me? What did you say?
I will have you...
The volunteers are here.

38
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:20,122
Okay, Malala girl,
I'll talk to you later.

39
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:23,208
Guess which Malala
that was.

40
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:26,211
Oh, thank goodness
the volunteers get here today.

41
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,005
It is so weird how we all
fall behind

42
00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:29,965
after break
when we get back.

43
00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:31,466
Nope. Not me.
I'm good.

44
00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:33,552
I'm actually
ahead of schedule.

45
00:01:33,552 --> 00:01:35,387
Well, I'm drowning.

46
00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:37,139
I could use some help
in the garden.

47
00:01:37,139 --> 00:01:38,974
That special compost
I put down

48
00:01:38,974 --> 00:01:40,392
apparently has
the raccoons

49
00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,436
starting a little goofball
garden program of their own.

50
00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,645
Aww, cute.
No.

51
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:45,772
I need help
with my vents.

52
00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,358
Some of the seats in my room
are too cold, others too hot.

53
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:50,277
It's a whole
Goldilocks sitch.

54
00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:52,487
You know, if a girl
came into my house

55
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:54,406
and ate my porridge
and slept in my bed,

56
00:01:54,406 --> 00:01:55,282
I'm eating her ass.

57
00:01:56,783 --> 00:02:00,162
To be clear in this
hypothetical, I'm a bear.

58
00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:03,123
The animal.
[ Intercom beeps ]

59
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,583
Ava:
Abbotts and Elementors,

60
00:02:04,583 --> 00:02:06,501
the volunteers have arrived.

61
00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:07,669
Come on down and claim
your minions.

62
00:02:07,669 --> 00:02:09,338
Ah! New friends.

63
00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:11,131
Thank you for
giving back to your --

64
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:13,383
well, not your --
a community.

65
00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:14,801
Here are your badges.

66
00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:17,846
Oh, badges, huh? Cool!
Very cool!

67
00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:19,431
Welcome
to Abbott Elementary,

68
00:02:19,431 --> 00:02:21,099
the best elementary school
in the universe.

69
00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:23,435
Is that what this is?
Ignore her.

70
00:02:23,435 --> 00:02:25,020
We are the best volunteers
in the universe.

71
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:26,688
This is Frank,
I'm Mac,

72
00:02:26,688 --> 00:02:27,981
Dee, Dennis,
and Charlie.

73
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:28,940
How ya doin'?
Hey, guys.

74
00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:30,025
Dennis: Quick question.

75
00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:31,860
Um, what's the deal with
all the cameras?

76
00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:33,695
We have, like,
a "Vanderpump" thing going on.

77
00:02:33,695 --> 00:02:34,946
Don't worry about it.

78
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:37,157
No, no,
I don't think so.

79
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,784
I know quite a bit
about filming and consent,

80
00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,285
and I think I'll
be spending my time

81
00:02:40,285 --> 00:02:41,286
on the other side
of the camera.

82
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:42,037
Thank you very much.
[ Chuckles ]

83
00:02:42,037 --> 00:02:43,372
See?
Yeah. Okay.

84
00:02:43,372 --> 00:02:44,748
Charlie: He's camera shy.

85
00:02:44,748 --> 00:02:46,375
Cool, well, um, do any of you
have any experience

86
00:02:46,375 --> 00:02:47,626
with duct work?

87
00:02:47,626 --> 00:02:49,336
Oh, I've done
tons of duck work.

88
00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,713
You said duck work
or -- or duct?

89
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:53,382
W-What did you say?

90
00:02:53,382 --> 00:02:55,092
Oh, has anyone
ever worked in a garden?

91
00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:56,927
I lived outside.

92
00:02:56,927 --> 00:02:58,720
Oh. Okay.
Mm-hmm.

93
00:02:58,720 --> 00:02:59,888
You guys look
familiar to me.

94
00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,765
No, we don't.
Yeah, you do.

95
00:03:01,765 --> 00:03:04,059
Like, I know you
from somewhere.

96
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:05,936
I would have known
if I saw you.
We don't do schools
usually.

97
00:03:05,936 --> 00:03:09,189
Yeah...
Wait, did you ever get
into a fight at an Eagles game?

98
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:10,315
-Of course we have.
-Oh! Yeah, of course.
-Of course. Yeah.

99
00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,358
Yeah. Have you?

100
00:03:11,358 --> 00:03:13,318
Oh, are you kidding?
When have I not?

101
00:03:13,318 --> 00:03:15,237
Of course.
Yeah, you gotta fight.
We gotta do
what we gotta do.

102
00:03:15,237 --> 00:03:16,571
Okay.
That's what it is, then.

103
00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:17,781
All right. Go, Birds!

104
00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:19,074
Go Birds!
Yeah, go Birds!
Go Birds.

105
00:03:19,074 --> 00:03:20,951
I like her.
That's cool.
Go Birds, of course.

106
00:03:20,951 --> 00:03:22,953
If Caucasian Cultural Exchange
is over,

107
00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,037
let's get to
the free work.

108
00:03:24,037 --> 00:03:24,830
-Okay? Yeah.
-Yeah.

109
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:26,456
But go Birds.

110
00:03:27,124 --> 00:03:29,000
But what they were
not prepared for --

111
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,086
the scourge
of trench warfare.

112
00:03:31,086 --> 00:03:33,004
All right,
your vent is fixed.

113
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:34,589
Thank you, Charlie.

114
00:03:34,589 --> 00:03:36,925
That thing's been dumping
hot air on me for weeks.

115
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,844
I've been positively
sudoriferous.

116
00:03:38,844 --> 00:03:40,095
Oh, yeah?
You got one of those?

117
00:03:40,095 --> 00:03:41,721
Yeah, I got a rash.
[ Scoffs ]

118
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,473
What you learning in here,
huh?

119
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:46,518
Oh, about innovative wear.
Classic fashion concerns.

120
00:03:46,518 --> 00:03:48,770
All right, well, first of all,
ironing is a myth.

121
00:03:48,770 --> 00:03:50,647
Doesn't work.
Oh, no. Uh...

122
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,524
you mean the
"Industrial War."

123
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,401
[ Laughs ]
Apologies.

124
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:55,777
The students say
I have the handwriting

125
00:03:55,777 --> 00:03:57,612
of a possessed doll.

126
00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,948
No, I-I knew that.
Yeah, Industrial War.

127
00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:01,825
And that was a --
that was a big one.

128
00:04:01,825 --> 00:04:04,286
'Cause, you know,
the -- the industries, you know,

129
00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:06,121
the -- were fighting
each other -- big robots.

130
00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:07,372
And there were,
of course,

131
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:10,167
lots of Marines
and crazy vermin

132
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:11,877
and, uh, aliens.

133
00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:14,087
And that was, uh,
very baffling for them.

134
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,589
And, well,
you don't need me teaching.

135
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,048
Seems like you got it.

136
00:04:17,048 --> 00:04:18,842
Maybe I'll see if there's
any other fashion classes

137
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:21,595
for me to pop in on and, uh,
give some more pointers.

138
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:22,596
Never iron.

139
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,639
This school, man.

140
00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:27,642
Hey! Hey!

141
00:04:27,642 --> 00:04:29,227
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing?

142
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:31,229
Composting.

143
00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:34,816
Compost is made of
food waste, not batteries.

144
00:04:34,816 --> 00:04:37,194
No, no. Batteries
are robot food.

145
00:04:37,194 --> 00:04:39,112
They're full
of rare earth metals.

146
00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:40,405
Plants love 'em.

147
00:04:40,405 --> 00:04:41,865
You throw any more
of my trash in there,

148
00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:44,326
and I won't be responsible
for what happens next.

149
00:04:44,326 --> 00:04:46,411
Is that a threat?
You damn right
that's a threat.

150
00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:48,413
Okay, okay.
All right, hold on. Calm down.

151
00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,415
This is exactly what
the raccoons want.

152
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:51,833
The game plan for today

153
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,503
is to get the compost back
into the planters

154
00:04:54,503 --> 00:04:56,046
and spread garlic
and chili powder around

155
00:04:56,046 --> 00:04:57,380
to deter the raccoons.

156
00:04:57,380 --> 00:04:58,715
Garlic and
chili powder?

157
00:04:58,715 --> 00:05:00,383
You're gonna make
the dirt taste delicious.

158
00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:02,802
There's only one way
to get rid of raccoons.

159
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,554
Intimidation.

160
00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,181
You try
and intimidate a raccoon --

161
00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:08,266
that'll be the last thing
you ever do.

162
00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:09,559
You gotta trap 'em.

163
00:05:09,559 --> 00:05:11,603
Raccoons is too smart
for traps.

164
00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:15,148
You need pelts
with alpha predator urine.

165
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,816
Yeah, I'm definitely
not doing that.

166
00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:18,193
Suit yourself.

167
00:05:18,193 --> 00:05:21,279
But you should rename this place
"A Buffet Elementary."

168
00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:22,614
That's not our name.

169
00:05:22,614 --> 00:05:25,075
We're named after
a historical racist.

170
00:05:26,368 --> 00:05:28,328
Congratulations.

171
00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:30,205
All right, so maybe you can
hang up the kids' drawings

172
00:05:30,205 --> 00:05:31,581
while I just help them
with the lesson.

173
00:05:31,581 --> 00:05:33,166
You got it.
Cool.

174
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,669
Penn?
Oh, hell yeah!

175
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,753
[ Shouts ] Yeah, Penn!
I went to Penn!

176
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:38,338
[ Normal voice ]
I'm so sorry.

177
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:39,965
That is a knee-jerk
reaction I have.

178
00:05:39,965 --> 00:05:41,591
[ Chuckles ] Don't you
dare apologize.

179
00:05:41,591 --> 00:05:42,467
I went there, too!

180
00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:44,469
What?

181
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:46,221
Yeah. I basically lived
on Locust Walk.

182
00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:47,889
Wha-- [ Chuckles ]
As you should!

183
00:05:47,889 --> 00:05:49,224
Because how else are
you gonna get

184
00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:51,017
to Smokey Joe's!
To Smokey Joe's!

185
00:05:51,017 --> 00:05:52,143
No way!
[ Laughs ]

186
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:53,436
Uh, hello?

187
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,480
Oh, h-hi.
Okay, just go ahead

188
00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:56,856
and double-check your work
if you're finished, okay?

189
00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:58,733
Yeah, and remember
to write your name at the top.

190
00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:00,151
[ Chuckles ]

191
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:01,903
Yeah, they always forget
to do that.

192
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:03,321
You are a natural.

193
00:06:03,321 --> 00:06:04,781
I appreciate
you seeing me.
Of course.

194
00:06:04,781 --> 00:06:05,907
Hey, class,
can I have your attention?

195
00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:06,992
Just real quick up here.

196
00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:08,285
I just want you to know...

197
00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:10,912
you are being taught
by a genius.

198
00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,666
Okay.

199
00:06:14,666 --> 00:06:18,044
Well, the, uh, school's
all fixed up now,

200
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,839
so I was thinking,
since we gave you such a boost,

201
00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:23,967
maybe you could sign
this volunteer slip

202
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,011
and we could get out of your
hair for the rest of the week,

203
00:06:26,011 --> 00:06:28,013
you know,
sort of let the school soar.

204
00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:30,181
Stop wasting paper.

205
00:06:30,181 --> 00:06:32,767
District says you're here
for the whole week.

206
00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:34,477
Find something
useful to do.

207
00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:37,355
I already have a white guy that
comes in here to annoy me.

208
00:06:37,355 --> 00:06:39,024
Does anybody else think
there's something seriously off

209
00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:40,650
about these volunteers?

210
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:43,486
That guy Frank accused
my soil of lacking lithium.

211
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,280
Yeah, I don't think they have
backgrounds in education

212
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:47,532
or, like, educations,
period.

213
00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:49,367
Okay, well,
my volunteer certainly does.

214
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,286
She went to Penn,
which is an Ivy.

215
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:54,164
A lot of people confuse it
for a state school.
I know.

216
00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:55,498
Is she the one that stuck her
head in my classroom asking

217
00:06:55,498 --> 00:06:57,083
can she
"light up in here"?

218
00:06:57,083 --> 00:06:58,918
The tall, skinny one who's,
like, hiding behind the cameras,

219
00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:01,087
he keeps asking me out
to some gross bar

220
00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,340
with like 300
one-star reviews.

221
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:06,134
Wait. A gross bar
in South?
Yeah.

222
00:07:06,134 --> 00:07:08,511
I knew I knew
those schlubs.

223
00:07:08,511 --> 00:07:09,804
Guys.
What?

224
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:11,348
Come on!

225
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:14,392
Hey, hey, you guys,
you own that Paddy's Pub.

226
00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:16,645
That's the skeeviest bar
I ever been to.

227
00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:17,812
You're a bunch
of lowlifes.

228
00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,272
Nope.
Hey!

229
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:20,690
What exactly
are you doing here?

230
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:23,068
We are volunteering
for community service.
Yeah.

231
00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:25,070
What's your angle?
If there even is one.

232
00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:26,529
Guys, there's no angle.
We're here to help.

233
00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:28,948
Yes!
For at least 100 hours.

234
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:30,241
As the court order
dictates.

235
00:07:30,241 --> 00:07:33,662
Snakes in the garden!
You're criminals.

236
00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:35,205
Okay.
Oh, come on.
No!

237
00:07:35,205 --> 00:07:37,040
I-Is it a crime
to dump 100 gallons

238
00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,041
of baby oil
in the Schuylkill?

239
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,709
And 500 Paddy's Pub
T-shirts.

240
00:07:39,709 --> 00:07:41,044
And a Cybertruck?

241
00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:41,920
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!

242
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:43,380
Yeah, the judge
thought so, too.

243
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,048
She's right.
We're criminals.

244
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:50,220
Of course they're criminals.
That explains why Frank asked
when he gets his one phone call.

245
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:51,388
Let's get 'em
outta here.

246
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:53,223
Okay, somebody
just give me the word

247
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:55,266
and I will have
them disappeared like that.

248
00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,936
Ava, please remove
these improper people

249
00:07:57,936 --> 00:07:59,771
from the premises
post-haste.

250
00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:02,899
Hold on. Dee has been
super helpful in my class.

251
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:05,235
She took down the Christmas
decorations I can't reach.

252
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:06,820
She graded
a spelling quiz.

253
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:09,239
And she did go to one of the
best schools in the country.

254
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:10,740
Janine,
you're an adult.

255
00:08:10,740 --> 00:08:12,742
Stop bragging about something
you did when you were 17.

256
00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:14,327
They're not "criminal"
criminals,

257
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,788
you know,
just a misdemeanor.

258
00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:18,873
Plus, if you
kick them out,

259
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:21,251
the district will
never send us help ever again.

260
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:23,503
The "free" of it all
is hard to say no to.

261
00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:27,340
All right, the criminals
can stay for now.

262
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,801
What?
And I'll treat them
just like everyone else,

263
00:08:29,801 --> 00:08:31,886
with the utmost
disrespect.

264
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,056
Hey, Melissa. Um...
Charlie: Oh, we're in here?

265
00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:36,933
Uh, whoa! Uh-oh.
[ Chuckles ]

266
00:08:36,933 --> 00:08:38,810
Look at all the colors
in here, man.

267
00:08:38,810 --> 00:08:40,311
This is so much cooler
than your room.

268
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,896
Um, do you have
anything that Charlie

269
00:08:41,896 --> 00:08:44,065
could help out with,
maybe in -- in your class?

270
00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:45,400
Nope.
Don't want him.

271
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,943
Take him back up
to the older kids.

272
00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:48,111
Hey, Charlie.
Why don't, um --

273
00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:49,487
Why don't you check some
of the kids work?

274
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:50,989
Throw down some knowledge
on these guys?

275
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,198
Sounds good.
Sure.

276
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:54,659
Yeah.
I'm afraid that, uh,

277
00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:57,245
seventh-grade curriculum
might be a little advanced

278
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:59,038
for Charlie
to help out with.

279
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:01,082
Honestly, I don't even know
if he can read.

280
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,208
He couldn't make out anything
on the board.

281
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:03,710
That doesn't mean
he can't read.

282
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:05,712
I'm dyslexic, you prick.
Lots of adults are.

283
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:07,756
Maybe he is, too.

284
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,090
Got a question
over here?

285
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:11,092
How do you
spell "light"?

286
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:12,802
Uh, light -- light?
Yeah.

287
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,471
Well, uh,
that's easy, really.

288
00:09:14,471 --> 00:09:19,184
It's L, I, Y, T...
there's another L,

289
00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:20,268
which is
one of those letters

290
00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:21,644
that hides behind
the other letter.

291
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,521
Well,
maybe he can't read.

292
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:24,898
This doesn't make any sense.

293
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,775
Raccoons hate
chili powder and garlic.

294
00:09:26,775 --> 00:09:28,109
How is it worse?

295
00:09:28,109 --> 00:09:29,486
I told you,
the only way

296
00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:32,280
to get rid of a raccoon
is intimidation.

297
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:34,783
Now, I've got these
premium pelts

298
00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:36,201
back at my place.

299
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:37,619
I'm gonna soak 'em

300
00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:40,330
in the dankest urine
you ever smelled.

301
00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,791
You'll never see another raccoon
as long as you live.

302
00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:45,210
This is a garden, not a
Hollywood bachelor pad.

303
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,586
We need a huge cage.

304
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,671
Have you ever
even met a raccoon?

305
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,381
I met a famous one
last spring.

306
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:54,636
I think what we have here
is an embarrassment of riches.

307
00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:57,138
So I'm just gonna let...
two have at it.

308
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:01,100
You're trash.
You know that?

309
00:10:01,100 --> 00:10:04,145
Coming from
the sheriff of trash.

310
00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:05,688
Principal Coleman,
good morning!

311
00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,233
Hmm.

312
00:10:08,233 --> 00:10:09,734
This coffee is cute as hell.
[ Chuckles ]

313
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:11,194
You know, I've been trying
to get Dia to do this,

314
00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:12,862
but Dia says that her

315
00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:14,656
[louder] arthritis makes her
hand shake too bad.

316
00:10:14,656 --> 00:10:16,074
Right. Uh,
it was my pleasure.

317
00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:17,784
Let me know
if there's anything you need.

318
00:10:17,784 --> 00:10:20,036
And I mean anything.

319
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,663
Hmm. I could use
a white guy

320
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:22,956
to serve as
my vice presid--

321
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,249
I mean, principal.
[ Chuckles ]

322
00:10:24,249 --> 00:10:25,708
You can start
by planning a fire drill.

323
00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:27,377
This place
is a tinderbox.

324
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:29,212
Yes, I could do that.
Or...

325
00:10:29,212 --> 00:10:30,964
when was the last time
you had your car detailed?

326
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,841
Oh, well,
just yesterday.

327
00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:35,260
But go ahead
and fill 'er up, too.

328
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:38,138
And when Ben Franklin
touched the key

329
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:40,473
he had tied
to the kite...

330
00:10:40,473 --> 00:10:43,226
[ Imitates being electrocuted ]
[ Laughter ]

331
00:10:43,226 --> 00:10:45,103
My bones!

332
00:10:45,103 --> 00:10:47,438
[ Knock on door ]
That is so good.

333
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,399
Oh. Hi.
Hello, Miss Teagues.

334
00:10:49,399 --> 00:10:50,692
Can I borrow
the left-handed scissors?

335
00:10:50,692 --> 00:10:52,861
Oh, yeah. Of course.
Be right back.

336
00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:54,237
Guys, keep working.

337
00:10:54,237 --> 00:10:55,905
Well, well,
well, well, well.

338
00:10:55,905 --> 00:10:58,032
Say, what brings
a hunk like you

339
00:10:58,032 --> 00:10:59,492
into a classroom
like this?

340
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,035
The left-handed
scissors.

341
00:11:01,035 --> 00:11:03,162
You don't say.
Yeah.

342
00:11:03,162 --> 00:11:06,249
Well, fun fact about me --
I am ambidextrous,

343
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:07,375
and you know
what they say about

344
00:11:07,375 --> 00:11:09,377
ambidextrous girls...

345
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:11,254
That they can write
with both hands?

346
00:11:11,254 --> 00:11:16,134
[ Laughs loudly ]

347
00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,887
You are so funny.

348
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:20,054
Isn't he?
Yeah.

349
00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:21,055
Got 'em.

350
00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:23,016
Thank you.
You're welcome.

351
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,893
Mm-hmm.
Thank you.

352
00:11:24,893 --> 00:11:26,936
All right, guys. Who can name
something else

353
00:11:26,936 --> 00:11:28,313
that Ben Franklin
invented?

354
00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:29,606
Yo. White kid.
How about over here?

355
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:30,398
What's Mr. Eddie's deal?

356
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,402
Whoa.
Check this out.

357
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:36,070
There's gotta be like
100 books in here.

358
00:11:36,070 --> 00:11:37,238
Yeah,
why don't you go

359
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:40,033
take a look at
some of the covers?

360
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,868
So, how's it going
with that one?

361
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:43,870
My suspicions
were first piqued when --
He can't read.

362
00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,496
You sure?

363
00:11:45,496 --> 00:11:48,374
Uh-oh! This one doesn't
even have pictures.

364
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:50,585
You know, I used to teach
adult literacy classes,

365
00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:53,087
and it's far more common
nowadays than you think.

366
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:55,173
Okay.
Charlie!

367
00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,550
I am Mrs. Barbara Howard,
educator.

368
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,886
And I'd like to ask
you a question.
Sure.

369
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:02,972
Do you have
trouble reading?
No.

370
00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:04,641
I mean [clears throat]
no, no.

371
00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:06,559
I can read any word
at any time.

372
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,144
My friends and I
were actually talking about

373
00:12:08,144 --> 00:12:09,771
how well-read I am.

374
00:12:09,771 --> 00:12:12,565
Yes, well,
adult illiteracy is very common,

375
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,234
and there is no shame
in needing help.

376
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,568
You know what?
I'm not feeling great.

377
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:16,945
I got a bit
of a tummy ache.

378
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:17,946
Uh, you got, like,
a hall pass or something?

379
00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:19,197
Jacob: It's on the wall.

380
00:12:19,197 --> 00:12:21,240
On the wall.
I see it, okay?

381
00:12:22,617 --> 00:12:24,077
All right.
I'll be back.

382
00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,078
That...

383
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:28,289
He could probably
recognize

384
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,291
the word "bathroom,"
though, right?

385
00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:32,126
Charlie!
Hurry!

386
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:33,836
For someone who's
not getting paid,

387
00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:35,380
Mac has made himself
surprisingly useful.
[ Drill whirring ]

388
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:37,048
Now he's texting me
to come outside and --

389
00:12:37,048 --> 00:12:38,883
Can you keep that down?

390
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:41,844
I'm pontificating over here.
And what is that smell?

391
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:43,429
It's the pelts.
They're soaked in pee,

392
00:12:43,429 --> 00:12:45,181
which isn't gonna
do anything.

393
00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:46,849
Here you go.

394
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:49,852
Gassed up, detailed,
and I rotated your tires.

395
00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:51,604
My tires rotate
every time I drive.

396
00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,356
Is that cinnamon
air freshener?

397
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:55,775
Even better.
Oh!

398
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,360
Yeah.
Still warm?

399
00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:59,821
There's probably not even
anything left for us

400
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:02,782
to do this week, so if you could
just go ahead and sign the slip.

401
00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,450
Oh, not right now.
My hands are sticky.

402
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,121
[ Tires squeal, car departs ]

403
00:13:11,874 --> 00:13:13,835
Ooh.
Valentines in January.

404
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,670
Nice, Miss Dee.
Head start.

405
00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:19,132
Oh. I did not know you had
a crush on Mr. Eddie, Bekka.

406
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,967
What? No, she doesn't.
She better not.

407
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,385
No, she's doing it
for me.

408
00:13:22,385 --> 00:13:24,637
Wh-- Wha-- What? Why?
What do you mean?

409
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,931
'Cause when Gregory finds out
that I used the kids

410
00:13:26,931 --> 00:13:29,600
to let him know how I feel about
him, he's just gonna melt.

411
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:31,769
[ School bell rings ]
But, uh --

412
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:33,855
Bye, kids. Bye.

413
00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:36,232
Wait. Um, you -- you
like Gregory?

414
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:38,443
Uh [chuckles] yeah.
You've seen those shoulders.

415
00:13:38,443 --> 00:13:40,486
What is his deal?
Is he in a relationship?

416
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:41,946
Ooh, if he is,
is he a cheater?

417
00:13:41,946 --> 00:13:43,489
[ Laughs ]
No. Okay.

418
00:13:43,489 --> 00:13:45,867
So, uh, he is actually
with someone -- me.

419
00:13:45,867 --> 00:13:46,743
What?!
Yeah.

420
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:49,162
Janine! Nice pull.

421
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:50,455
Thank you.
It took a long time.

422
00:13:50,455 --> 00:13:52,165
Yeah. You're good if I take
a spin, though, yeah?

423
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,541
Hey, does he have
any tattoos?

424
00:13:53,541 --> 00:13:55,334
Never -- You know what?
Don't tell me. Don't tell me.

425
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:56,502
I want it to be a surprise.
Shh! Shh! Shh!
No.

426
00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:59,172
Um, so it's actually
like a real relationship.

427
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,382
He's my boyfriend.
Like, my very loyal boyfriend.

428
00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,592
So it's a competition
then?

429
00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:03,885
No.

430
00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:05,595
Very well.
Best of luck to you.

431
00:14:05,595 --> 00:14:07,013
So, he likes big feet.

432
00:14:07,013 --> 00:14:08,389
Good.

433
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:09,682
Mine are enormous.

434
00:14:11,893 --> 00:14:14,520
[ Breathing heavily ]

435
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,938
[ Mockingly breathing heavily ]
What?

436
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:17,815
Ava,
the others were right.

437
00:14:17,815 --> 00:14:19,817
These volunteers
have got to go.

438
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,194
No, you were right.

439
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,154
They're amazing, and
they're staying. [ Chuckles ]

440
00:14:23,154 --> 00:14:25,073
I might even frame
'em for another crime
to get their hours up.

441
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:27,283
Did I tell you
to stop steaming?

442
00:14:28,159 --> 00:14:29,702
[ Steam hisses ]

443
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:35,249
Charlie, I've helped many adults
who've struggled to read --

444
00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:36,667
Yeah, but I'm not struggling.
I read good.

445
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,002
It's okay.
It's okay, Charlie.

446
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:40,963
All we have to do is find out,
what do you like?

447
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:43,132
Beer. Uh...
They don't have that.

448
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:45,551
...milk steak...
uh, bird law.
Okay.

449
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,345
Birds!
Okay, Barbara.

450
00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:49,180
Birds.
We can work with that.

451
00:14:49,180 --> 00:14:50,765
-Birds.
-Barb!
-Okay.

452
00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:52,308
All right.
"Protected Birds
of Pennsylvania,

453
00:14:52,308 --> 00:14:54,644
Fun Facts, Cool Birds."
Yes!

454
00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:56,229
Oh, yeah?
Cool birds.
Okay, here you go.

455
00:14:56,229 --> 00:14:58,147
All right,
let's start right here.

456
00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:00,775
What sound does
this letter make?

457
00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:02,944
I don't need to sound it out
'cause I can read it perfectly.

458
00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:04,862
It says, "The Philadelphia
Eagles' name is Swoop

459
00:15:04,862 --> 00:15:06,405
and he has a jetpack."

460
00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:08,449
It doesn't.
It doesn't?

461
00:15:08,449 --> 00:15:09,534
Go Birds?

462
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:10,868
Go Birds, man.

463
00:15:12,620 --> 00:15:14,288
Let's keep trying.

464
00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:16,833
Janine: You know,
I feel bad for Dee.

465
00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:18,417
It must be hard
to have a crush on Gregory

466
00:15:18,417 --> 00:15:20,711
when I'm already with him.

467
00:15:20,711 --> 00:15:22,630
Hopefully I can smooth things
over today.

468
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:24,048
[ Knock on door ]

469
00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:27,927
Expecting
someone else?

470
00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,345
Yeah, I just wanted you
to get a load

471
00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:30,555
of the tower of a woman

472
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:32,223
you're about to lose
your man to.

473
00:15:32,223 --> 00:15:34,475
Okay, class,
why don't you, um, work quietly

474
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:37,145
while Miss Dee and I
have a talk in the hallway?

475
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:39,939
Dee...
Mm.

476
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,774
...I'm sorry
about yesterday...
Mm.

477
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:43,985
...but Gregory and I are in a
serious, committed relationship.

478
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,194
Yeah, you already
said that.

479
00:15:45,194 --> 00:15:46,821
It only makes me
want him more.

480
00:15:46,821 --> 00:15:48,781
Do you love him?
Wha-- D--
[ Stammering ]

481
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,616
Because I love him.
And when I see him next,

482
00:15:50,616 --> 00:15:51,993
that's exactly what
I'm gonna tell him.

483
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:53,578
Okay.

484
00:15:53,578 --> 00:15:55,454
I thought you learned
your lesson yesterday,

485
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:56,873
but I guess you gotta
get held back.

486
00:15:56,873 --> 00:15:58,624
How you gonna hold me back?
Your arms are way too short.

487
00:15:58,624 --> 00:16:00,293
My arms are not short.
Your arms are too short.

488
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,586
My arms are a normal size.
Try it.
Reach me. Reach me.

489
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,004
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey.

490
00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:04,672
What's going on?
I'll tell you
what's going on.

491
00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:06,465
This psycho, she was
just going off about --
You know what she said?

492
00:16:06,465 --> 00:16:08,342
She said, "[Whiny voice]
He's too much of a man for me."

493
00:16:08,342 --> 00:16:09,802
I didn't say that.
"I can't handle him."

494
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,220
Yes, she did. She did.
No, I didn't.
I didn't say that.

495
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,346
And you know what?
One more thing -- I love you.

496
00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:13,973
She did say that.
I didn't say the first part.

497
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,016
I would never say that.

498
00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:16,726
Are you okay?
Yes, I am fine.

499
00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:19,228
But this bird-ass bird
is gonna get real hurt.

500
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:20,813
Don't call me --
I will call you...
Okay, okay, okay.

501
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,648
Excuse me just one second.
...worse things
than a bird.

502
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:23,733
Thank you.
It's just
what I thought of.

503
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:25,735
What's happening?

504
00:16:25,735 --> 00:16:27,111
She's trying to seduce you
and make you her boyfriend.

505
00:16:28,696 --> 00:16:30,281
Okay?

506
00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:31,866
"Okay?" That'd be
an actual nightmare.

507
00:16:31,866 --> 00:16:34,744
Agreed.
Listen, Janine...

508
00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,287
I'm with you.

509
00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:38,414
I'm not interested
in any other woman.

510
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,375
Especially not that woman.

511
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:43,252
Okay.

512
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:44,795
Okay, I feel better.

513
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:46,297
Much better.

514
00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:47,673
All right.
All right, thank you.

515
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:49,217
Mm-hmm.
I'll go back.

516
00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:57,391
That was so hot.
[ Chuckles ]

517
00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:59,685
Meet me behind
the gym mats in 15.

518
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:03,189
And if I'm late,
you just keep waiting.

519
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:04,899
"Green!"
Yes.

520
00:17:04,899 --> 00:17:06,525
"Her-ons."
Unh...

521
00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:07,902
"Herons."
That's it.

522
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:10,529
Uh, "spend soumare."

523
00:17:10,529 --> 00:17:12,573
Uh, it's a French word
I think.

524
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:13,699
No, it's not.

525
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:16,285
Oh!
"Summer in Philadelphia

526
00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:18,871
and then flies soothe..."

527
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,414
South...
"...soothes...

528
00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:22,959
south for wine."

529
00:17:22,959 --> 00:17:24,835
No.
"Win-Winter"?

530
00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:26,087
"Winter!"

531
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:27,463
[ Cheers and applause ]

532
00:17:27,463 --> 00:17:30,675
Charlie,
I am so proud of you!

533
00:17:30,675 --> 00:17:32,677
Look at you, you crazy S.O.B.
You did it.

534
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:34,303
You can read, Charlie.
I did it!

535
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:36,681
I actually read,
which I always could do.

536
00:17:36,681 --> 00:17:39,308
What's going on in here?
Somebody walking on water?

537
00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:40,685
Even better, we taught
one of the criminals

538
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:42,144
to read at a
kindergarten level.

539
00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:43,771
Wow. I guess miracles
do happen.

540
00:17:43,771 --> 00:17:45,106
Charlie: Yeah, Mac,
check this out.

541
00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:46,482
I'm gonna read, uh,
one of the tough sentences,

542
00:17:46,482 --> 00:17:47,692
like,
from the back of the book.
Yes.

543
00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:50,903
Um,
"Protected, uh, birds

544
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,906
include, uh,
the gold-breathe...

545
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,700
bre--" I don't
know this one.
Breasted.

546
00:17:55,700 --> 00:18:00,037
"Breasted! Nuthatch
and loggerhead Shrek --

547
00:18:00,037 --> 00:18:01,706
shrike."
Say that again.

548
00:18:01,706 --> 00:18:02,915
Really?

549
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,501
"Pro-tec-ted birds inc--
Yes.

550
00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:09,005
[ Sighs ]
"Protected birds include

551
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:11,340
the gold-breasted nuthatch
and loggerhead shrike."

552
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,884
Dang! Well, that's
why you're principal.

553
00:18:13,884 --> 00:18:15,636
Mel, you still got
that egg guy?

554
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:17,847
Human or animal?
Doesn't matter. Got both. Why?

555
00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:19,056
We got a species
to protect.

556
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:20,975
V.P., I have
your next mission.

557
00:18:23,144 --> 00:18:25,146
We caught the raccoon!
It's huge!

558
00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:26,230
Really?

559
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:28,983
You want to bash his brains in
or should I?

560
00:18:28,983 --> 00:18:30,818
No, man.
That's Frank.

561
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:33,029
I know that.
Get me outta here.

562
00:18:33,029 --> 00:18:35,114
Were you the one eating
the compost the whole time?

563
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,825
Only after you put the garlic
and the chili powder on it.

564
00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:39,994
Came back last night
for some more.

565
00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:44,373
I saw that pudding cup was full,
and I got stuck in here.

566
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:46,959
Why you wearing piss pelts?
It was freezing.

567
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,545
But by the way,
the piss pelts worked.

568
00:18:49,545 --> 00:18:51,297
I didn't see one raccoon.

569
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:52,548
All right,
I've hit my limit.

570
00:18:52,548 --> 00:18:54,175
Uh, Mr. Johnson,
hose him off

571
00:18:54,175 --> 00:18:56,052
and get him inside
before the kids see this.

572
00:18:56,052 --> 00:18:58,763
Very good, by the way,
if you'd like to try some.

573
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:00,640
Miles: Ava, for the last time,
Girard Creek Golf

574
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,850
will not be giving Abbott
a new scoreboard.

575
00:19:02,850 --> 00:19:04,226
That's not why
I'm calling.

576
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:06,270
You see,
my white vice principal

577
00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:08,147
was passing by
your construction site,

578
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,106
and something
caught his eye.

579
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,318
[ Cellphone chimes ]

580
00:19:12,318 --> 00:19:13,611
You should have just received
a photo.

581
00:19:13,611 --> 00:19:15,654
It's eggs.

582
00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:17,656
Yes.
Loggerhead shrike eggs.

583
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:20,493
A protected bird in Pennsylvania
found at your golf course.

584
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,370
If the Bird and Game Commission
saw that,

585
00:19:22,370 --> 00:19:24,955
I wonder what it would do
to your construction progress?

586
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:27,792
[ Sighs ]
I'll be in touch.

587
00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:29,835
[ Chuckles ]

588
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,547
Through perseverance,
Charlie has achieved

589
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:35,591
what once seemed impossible.

590
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:38,094
And so congratulations

591
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:41,472
to Abbott Elementary's
newest reader --

592
00:19:41,472 --> 00:19:43,933
Charlie Kelly!

593
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,643
Yeah!

594
00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:47,645
[ Applause ]

595
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:56,195
I feel bad
about all the compost I ate.

596
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:58,280
So if you just put this
in the garden,

597
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,741
the plants will love it
and then we'll call it square.

598
00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:04,370
If you took that from
Mr. Johnson's car,
go put it back.

599
00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:09,792
Yeah.

600
00:20:09,792 --> 00:20:11,710
It's a weird week,
huh?

601
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:12,753
Really?
I didn't notice.

602
00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:14,547
Last chance.

603
00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:17,383
What do you say we, uh,
drive away from this place

604
00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:18,884
and never look back?

605
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,304
Yeah, that's not
gonna happen.

606
00:20:22,304 --> 00:20:24,640
So...

607
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,100
Whatever.

608
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:27,852
Hey, boss,
so the, uh...

609
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:30,646
new scoreboard looks
pretty good, huh?

610
00:20:30,646 --> 00:20:32,148
So I guess that means you sh--
you should sign this.

611
00:20:32,148 --> 00:20:34,024
[ Sighs ]

612
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:35,526
No.

613
00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:37,486
You're the best free worker
I've ever had.

614
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:39,488
Come on.
I got your car detailed.

615
00:20:39,488 --> 00:20:41,073
I blackmailed
a golf course.

616
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,575
I even went
the extra mile

617
00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,452
and wrote thank-you notes
to all the teachers.

618
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:45,661
You did what?

619
00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:47,371
They run on insults.

620
00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:49,123
You don't get what
I'm doing here at all.

621
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,251
Get the hell
outta my school.

622
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:56,255
Oh, God. Let's never
ask for help again.

623
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,048
Well,
I tried to tell yous.

624
00:20:58,048 --> 00:20:59,633
Oh, this week
wasn't so bad.

625
00:20:59,633 --> 00:21:01,260
We taught
a guy to read.

626
00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,720
Jacob, how are you
always so optimistic?

627
00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:04,346
Are you kidding me?

628
00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:05,806
We live in the City
of Brotherly Love, my brother.

629
00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:07,099
It's always sunny in --

630
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:12,480
It is amazing what we were able
to accomplish this week.

631
00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,190
I mean, when we got here,
this place was falling apart.

632
00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:17,610
And now...
they send children here.

633
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:20,529
So, it turns out Greg's gay,
uh, which is a bummer.

634
00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:22,031
I do feel bad for Janine,

635
00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:23,616
but that can happen
to the short ones.

636
00:21:23,616 --> 00:21:24,992
I got to work the land.

637
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:26,786
I got to eat some fiber.

638
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,829
Charlie learned to read.

639
00:21:28,829 --> 00:21:30,831
Community service is great.

640
00:21:30,831 --> 00:21:33,584
Crime is worth it.
Plain and simple.

641
00:21:33,584 --> 00:21:36,128
I'm ready to get out of here.
This school's haunted.

642
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:37,588
They play basketball
against ghosts.

643
00:21:40,800 --> 00:21:43,469
-- Captions by VITAC --
www.vitac.com